Problematic Perspectives on Purity in Christian Dating — Guest Post

The church is the exclusive portion of her Lord; none else may claim a partnership or pretend to share her love. Jesus, Your church delights to have it so! Let every believing soul drink solace out of these wells. Soul, Christ is near to you in ties of relationship. Christ is dear to you in bonds of marriage union, and you are dear to Him; behold, He grasps both of your hands with both His own, saying, “My sister, my bride.” Consider how the Lord gets such a double hold of you that He neither can nor will ever let you go. Be not, O beloved, slow to return the hallowed flame of His love. – Charles Spurgeon

Frankly speaking, I despise blog posts on Christian dating; their authors’ so-called ‘advice’ is far too often naïve, trite, and impractical. Yet here I am. As I now stare at my keyboard, contemplating what to write, the speeches of countless youth pastors and preachers flood my mind’s eye. We’ve all heard that single Christians are called to “wait it out”, to “stay pure”, and to endure this “season of singleness”. But I don’t want to encourage that kind of message. On the contrary, I believe that these perspectives are largely unbiblical.

When God Writes Your Love Story, for example, is a book on Christian dating which gained widespread popularity some years ago. While recounting their past romantic failures, Eric and Leslie Ludy pepper anecdotes from their own love story with various Bible verses. Like so many other well-meaning Christian mothers, my mom forced me to read this book when I was thirteen. Although there are many admirable and lovely sentiments presented in WGWYLS, I still firmly believe that it presents a dangerously narrow depiction of God-honoring devotion.

I don’t suggest that the Ludys are guilty of heresy; nor do I wish to dismiss the book as useless or dangerous. However, I believe that WGWYLS is a disturbing reflection of perspectives prevalent in North American churches. Throughout the book, the authors urge single Christians to stay sexually pure for their future spouses. Eric Ludy even mentions how he kept a diary addressed to his future wife in order to alleviate his loneliness. Using hypothetical descriptions of your future wife or husband’s tearful reproach, the authors describe how crushed your spouse would be if they knew that you had sex with another person. While the desire to be pure is an undeniably necessary aspect of the Christian life, the fixation on sexual purity alone misses the point.

Problem #1: Purity is not solely about sex.

Yes, I understand that when Christians discuss dating, we must address the sexual aspect of romantic relationships. Nevertheless, it’s problematic to even suggest that sexual purity is more important or more central than other aspects of holy, Christ-like living. Actually, scratch that. It’s not just problematic; it’s completely wrong.

Let me be clear: I do not discount sexual purity. The Apostle Paul himself says that unlike other sins, “he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body (…) the temple of the Holy Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:18-19 NKJV). However, I challenge the notion that the only aspect of purity we ought to concern ourselves with is sexual. In reality, Scripture calls us to practice a multi-faceted and dynamic form of purity that extends beyond the sexual or physical realms.

Romans 13:13-14 (NIV) states:

“Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.”

To put these verses in context, this “decent behaviour” does not begin and end with sexual morality. We cannot fool ourselves into believing that mere abstinence from sex produces purity. Purity isn’t only about what we don’t do; it also entails what we choose to do or “clothe” ourselves with instead. Our commitment to purity extends to the music we listen to, the shows we watch, the words we use, and the books we read. When I treat my enemy with kindness, or when I replace my bitter thoughts with those of forgiveness, God uses these moments for my sanctification. Evidently, the principle of self-control (Titus 2:12) applies to so many areas other than when, who, or how we kiss.

Problem #2: Singleness is not “a season”.

I was scrolling through Instagram the other day when I stumbled across a post from a well-known Christian account. The caption read, “don’t waste your time crying over a boy who doesn’t appreciate you, girls! I promise that God will bless you with a real husband who will appreciate everything you do”. I don’t know which God they were referring to. I’ve scoured my Bible, but I can’t find any chapter or verse which supports this statement.

Singleness is not a “season” in the sense that marriage is not guaranteed. I see far too many Christian girls who devote their time, gifts, and energy to finding their future husbands — husbands who, should God call us to celibacy, may not even exist. Although I’ve never physically engaged in sexual intercourse, if these daydreams interfere with my relationship with God, then the mere “act” of daydreaming is impure. If I love even the prospect of a human husband more than I love God, I commit idolatry. We shouldn’t assume that the desire for a God-honouring relationship harbors no temptations or spiritual pitfalls. On the contrary, as John Calvin expressed, “for what is idolatry if not this: to worship the gifts in place of the Giver himself?”

What will you do if God reveals to you that His will for you is singleness? Please note that I’m not asking about how you’d feel; instead, I ask what you will do in response to your human emotions. If God calls me to remain single for Him, I’ll likely feel confused and disappointed. Nevertheless, I pray that I will not allow self-pity to detract from the joy and peace that I access through Christ.

As a Christian, I live for God, not for my spouse. My relationship with my husband (or lack thereof) should not — does not — alter that calling. If I spend God’s gifts attempting to secure a future husband, I’ve essentially squandered what is rightfully His. I’m not saying that the desire for marriage is wrong; rather, my point is the following: that whether God chooses to bless me with marriage or bless me with singlehood, my relationship status does not change the fact that I am called to glorify Him.

Problem #3: Purity is not for our future husbands or wives.

Similarly, as the Apostle Paul expresses in 1 Corinthians 6:13, “Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food — and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.” As Christians, we’ve committed our bodies to Jesus… not our future spouse. Our purity is for Christ and Christ alone. If you’ve ever told anyone that you want to “stay pure” for your future spouse, please consider the flaws of that line of thinking. If your purity is maintained for your husband alone, then once you’re engaged, you can have sex whenever you’d like — right? After all, you’re now certain that you will become husband and wife. And what about people who choose to remain single? Since they’re certain they’ll never get married and don’t have anyone “waiting” for them, there’s no ostensible harm in having sex with other unmarried people.

All sarcasm aside, unless our purity originates from a desire to glorify and honor God, then our “purity” is pointless. I would also argue that any purity centered entirely on another human being is doomed for failure. Even the best of husbands and wives will fail us. If you decided to remain sexually pure only because of your future spouse, what happens when you discover that they didn’t do the same for you? Or how will you react when your wife confesses that she cheated on you? Will this then justify your own adultery or sexual immorality? Although it’s easy to dismiss these hypotheticals, these are harsh realities for Christian couples I know and love. Any conviction established on another human being is insufficient, unstable.

Rather than “save ourselves” for a human bridegroom, let’s remember the groom we already have: Jesus Christ. In 2 Corinthians 11:2, Paul says, “For I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy; for I betrothed you to one husband, so that to Christ I might present you as a pure virgin.” This one husband ought to be the reason for all that we do. Whether it’s a matter of attending church service, chatting with a friend, or abstaining from sex before marriage, let’s remember that we do all things to glorify Christ alone. He does and will write our story — regardless of whether we’re married or single.

About the Author:

Audrey is a Korean-American from Canada currently situated in Ireland. When she isn't reading 19th-century French or Russian literature, you'll find her eating food (she eats a lot), bleating along to Taylor Swift, or writing terrible poetry!