2023 Reflection: Be Still and Know

Usually I do a bit of a reflection each year as a way of looking back before moving forward. Personally, 2023 was a big year. While I certainly want to cover the good things, I also think it’s important to admit that there were low points. 

The Good: 

2023 was filled with lots of milestones. For one, I finally watched the 2005 version of Pride and Prejudice starring Keira Knightly for the first time. I also graduated from university. After four years of writing essays and (many) mental breakdowns, I walked across the stage at convocation. And it was in person too!

Honestly, after everything that’s happened these past four years, it’s kind of surreal that my undergrad journey is over. While I have a couple of regrets and wish I could’ve done a few things differently, I’m grateful for what I was able to accomplish and that this chapter of my life has come to a close. 

2023 was also filled with lots of new experiences. For one, I finally ended up working at the summer camp I was going to work at in 2020. Prior to the summer, I had no idea whether I was making the “right” decision. Sure, I’d prayed about it, weighed the pros and cons, and sought out advice. However, at the end of the day, I still had to make a decision. 

So I went. And I ended up having an amazing summer. Even though the days were long and the work wasn’t always easy, I felt genuine joy and peace every day I got to wake up at camp. Living away from home, being in a new environment, and surrounded by new people was much needed.

However, the biggest highlight of the summer was the community. There were several of us from all across Ontario, but there were also lots of international staff. I met people from England, Scotland, Northern Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, Mexico, Colombia, Germany, and South Africa. I so enjoyed being exposed to different cultural backgrounds and building new relationships. This summer was filled with lots of firsts and lots of new experiences, and I grew a lot as a person. For that, I'm forever grateful to God for all the new experiences I got to have this year.

The Not So Great:

2023 had a lot of personal lows. As I alluded to earlier, the two months after I finished school were rough. I had travel plans that didn’t work out last minute and I lost a beloved pet (I also lost another beloved pet four months later). Emotionally, I’ve also been working through the same struggles I’ve been dealing with for years, with no definite end in sight. For all the good there was, there were also many times this year I felt stagnant, discouraged, and/or frustrated. 

Also, despite being proactive in taking care of my mental health, I have not completely avoided falling into the comparison trap. Somehow, the comparison trap was worse for me this year than it’s been in a long time. I think it’s because we went from the pandemic where everyone was in the same boat to now where everyone is doing their own thing. 

I'm not sure how smart this is to admit, but perhaps you can relate. It was hard seeing friends travel or doing other fun things together while I was going through rough patches, even though I was happy for them. While I’m not one to make New Year's Resolutions, I honestly think I need to take a long hiatus from social media. 

An Uncertain Future:

2023 was filled with a lot of uncertainty. Whether it was uncertainty about how the summer would turn out or uncertainty about life post-undergrad, I spent most of this year trying to figure out what's next. And I'm still in the process of figuring things out.

To be honest, I’m not super optimistic heading into 2024. However, I think that’s okay. It’s normal to feel skeptical or worried about the unknown. 

I think the two biggest questions I’ve had to grapple with this year are the following. What does it mean to wait on God? And what does it mean to have faith? 

Some seasons of waiting are short. Some are long. I’ve never been good at navigating the tension of waiting. However, these past few weeks, I've been thinking about the purpose behind Advent. In previous years, I've only ever thought of Advent as a tradition, but never really considered the why.

What I realized is that while waiting can come from a place of excitement and anticipation, waiting can also come from a place of desperation. Between the end of the Old Testament and the birth of Jesus, roughly 400 years had passed with no signs from God. Given events such as the Roman occupation, people were desperate.

Throughout the bible, we also see examples of individuals who are desperate. The ancient Israelites were often in desperate circumstances. We see that God doesn't distance himself from desperation or view it with disgust, but works in the midst of it and is close to those who are desperate. To wait on God is to look to him and recognize your desperation, but still place your trust in him. 

And that’s what faith is. Faith is not the denial of present hardships. It's the act of trusting God. You can have faith and still acknowledge reality. The act of having faith is simple in theory, but actually living by faith is messy and complicated. And I think God is aware of that. Which is why he wants us to surrender the things we cling on to.

Be Still and Know:

Perhaps the biggest takeaway I’ve had from this year is to be weak before God. 

At the camp I worked at this past summer, our staff theme was based on Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God”. However, one of the notable things we talked about was how the verb “be still” doesn't accurately convey the meaning of the original Hebrew word that was used. It’s not an inaccurate translation, but because English is the Frankenstein of all languages, “be still” in English has connotations more akin to relaxing and not moving. 

However, the original word in Hebrew is rapha actually means “to be weak, to let go, to cease striving”. “Be still” is a call to surrender whatever we’re clinging onto because we know that God is sovereign. It isn't a one-time thing either. It's hard to let go of what we think is best or what we think we need to do. However, God wants us to surrender these things to him because he cares about us.

I’ve been thinking about Psalm 46:10 a lot since I finished undergrad and returned from camp. So much of my future is clouded with uncertainty. I can't say for sure where I’ll be in a year from now. Looking at my circumstances, I really don’t know what’s going to happen next. However, I know that if I surrender everything, including my fears, anxieties, and doubts to God, he will show me what is next.

“He says, ‘Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.’”

– Psalm 46:10